Plan your escape -- from stifling mediocrity.

This movie just pissed me off.

Why hire an actor as talented as Scarlett Johansson if you're just gonna use her for eye candy? I mean, really -- that's an insult to the audience, a slap to Johansson's face and an indication of the director Michael Bay's immaturity and lack of vision. Insult is added to injury every time the camera lingers on her for those superfluous seconds, taking time away from a narrative that desperately needed some extra TLC. I suppose I shouldn't have been shocked: this is the same smug, cryptofascist yahoo responsible for the cinematic skidmarks The Rock and Armageddon.

The Island is a slapdash yarn about corporate malfeasance, greed, "what price human life?" and the nature of identity. Or rather, it would have been about those things if it had been in better hands from the start. As it is, the themes are flattened, dispersed and diluted beyond relevance. The reductionist imperative of capitalism is just an excuse for a car chase.

Blarg.